...in the depths of despair...

Writing that title did put a little smile on my face, but basically I feel down in the dumps right now. (Anne Shirley says that line in Anne of Green Gables) I debated whether to blog, since normally I'm cheery and happy, but if I didn't blog when I'm feeling down too, then all of my other blogs would seem less real.

Chris and I are the beach right now, which would seem would make me really happy, but the problem is, I've been obsessing about food. It's been something I've been feeling anxiety about for the past few days. Even as I'm typing, Chris is getting the grill ready, so he can make himself a steak. The smell of charcoal burning, brings up so many food memories--being in Wisconsin where my dad would make fantastic steaks or my grandpa made chicken on the spit. Usually the beach means food--Max's pizza, Andy's cheesesteaks, fudge, burgers and fries from the pier, ice cream at putt-putt...etc. Vacations have always been a time where if you're dieting, you sort of "take a break" from it all, and just enjoy yourself. That's all fine and dandy normally, but I can't do that this time. (And even though I'm talking and thinking so much about food, I know I'm not going to eat something and mess my system up)

As I blogged about yesterday, I've been missing cooking, so I've tried to spend my time looking for recipes that I can make later on. The problem is, after this appointment on Tuesday, it's not like I'll just be able to grill some shrimp, or make a chicken fiesta salad. I'll basically be eating eggs, yogurt, pudding, cream soups, very cooked vegetables, tuna salad...things like that. Well there aren't too many recipes out there for those items. Even as I've searched for recipes from weight loss surgery websites, there is not much help for the "soft foods/pureed" stage.

Part of me thinks these feelings are also coming from feeling bored. Usually track out is a time where I am busy every day, sometimes we take a trip, so the whole time is spent doing worthwhile things or planning for those things. Since I haven't felt up to it recently, and I'm still not at the energy point I used to be, I haven't been able to do more. So, I think part of my problem with obsessing about food is that I'm bored too. I'm tired of reading, watching movies, searching on the internet for weight loss surgery sites, and taking it easy. I'm tired of watching the clock every 15 minutes to see if it's time to drink again. I'm just tired of it all.

Ok, so now to try and take the positive spin, just so I don't go crazy. :/ I have lost 21.2 pounds in a little over TWO WEEKS!! I can see a difference, and people are noticing a difference. I have bought clothes in a smaller size. I am taking steps toward a healthier life, and getting pregnant. I only have 2 more days of the liquid diet. I will be going back to school soon, and I'm ready for it. The scale will continue to go down. I will continue to be able to buy smaller clothes. And most importantly, I will be taking a focus off food in my life, and putting it on other, more important things.

Well, I guess I feel a little better writing about it. Poor Chris. I've been pretty moody the past few days, and I think it's because these things keep getting to me. I'm going to try and think of other things to keep us occupied at the beach--going on the beach, playing putt-putt, walking on the pier, going shopping, playing chess or Scrabble, and hopefully get my mind off of food. I thought that preparing for eating the next phase would help, but that has just made me think about food more, and what I can't have. It's hard to deny yourself. In our time now, we live in a society that if we want something, we get it. So, I need to focus on the positive, and hopefully that will get me through the next two days.

I'm sure I'll have these feelings again as I move through the next stage of eating, so it will help to look back over this blog. Thanks for reading, during the good and the bad. :)