To post or not to post...that is the question

Ok...here we go. You may have noticed that I haven't posted in a while. I have been struggling with what to write, because I'm not really sure what I'm feeling about things at this point. I have days where I'm positive, days where I'm discouraged, and days where I'm somewhere in between. On my positive days, I didn't really want to blog because I knew I had been struggling and I didn't just want to paint a rosy picture like nothing was wrong. On my discouraged days, I didn't want to post because I thought if I told people what I've been struggling with, everyone would try and offer advice and suggestions, and frankly I didn't want to hear anyone's advice. Today is one of those so-so days, so maybe I can communicate my feelings in a way that is more neutral.

On my discouraged days, I am upset that the scale hasn't really moved in a month, and I haven't lost that much total in the last few months. I berate myself for grazing in between meals, not exercising regularly like I should, having sweets, snacking on carbs versus protein...the list goes on and on. Chris has sometimes made comments to me like--"Are you hungry...should you be eating that? Do you need that ice cream? I just don't want to see you falling into old habits." I know he loves me and wants things to be successful for me after the surgery. I've heard so many stories where people have had gastric bypass and then gain a lot of their weight back. I've read Carnie Wilson's books, and saw an article recently where she had gained 50+ pounds back after her pregnancies, etc, and she hasn't lost back to her post surgery weight. I'm realizing now more than ever the saying, "the surgery is a tool for weight loss, not a cure". There are many food habits I've had for 25 years and in 7 months after a weight loss surgery I can't expect that those things will be erased. Now is getting into the hard part--where I'm going to have to actually work to lose the next 40-50 pounds, whereas the first 85 pounds "seem" like they came off easier. Some people have made comments to me like, "How much more weight do you want to lose?--You look so great now that if you stayed like this, wouldn't you still be happy?" I am very happy about my weight loss so far, and still can't believe sometimes how much I've lost. But, I definitely want to lose more and get down to an "average" weight for my height.

On my positive days, I remember what I've come through to get to this point and give myself a break. The doctors have said that I will hit a plateau, so this is probably normal, what I'm experiencing. I am wearing 6 dress sizes less than I was, fit into clothing at all stores, can run for 25 minutes straight, etc. etc. etc. all of the things I've been celebrating for the past few months. I am eating WAY less calories than I used to, I'm eating more healthy--much less eating out and fast food, exercising more than I used to, eating more protein, smaller meals, not feeling sick, haven't had dumping syndrome...etc. On those days, I try to celebrate what I have come through, how I've changed so far, and notice all of the changes in my body that have occured. When Chris and I were talking this weekend, and I was mentioning things that I needed to change about my eating habits, we talked about how I hate to restrict myself--in a lot of areas, not just food. He said, luckily now when I make some changes to my diet, I can see real results quickly. I might lose 2 pounds by the end of the week, and that would be my lowest all time weight after the surgery. That is an encouraging thought, whereas before the surgery even losing 2 pounds seemed like nothing compared to what I still had to go.

So here I am--on a so-so day. Last week I made some goals for myself to follow--chart my food in "lose-it", only eat during mealtimes, exercise three times, and eat my protein first. I've been doing pretty well since I've done that, and lost 1.5 pounds. I cleaned out the pantry some of the foods I had allowed myself to buy, and hopefully without the temptation, snacking won't be an issue. I've only taken protein rich snacks to school like string cheese, yogurt, nuts, stuff like that, instead of crackers, 100 calorie packs, baked chips, etc. When I'm in a neutral day, I don't beat myself up, but I just realize what needs to be done and take steps to get it done.

Part of me didn't want to post about this because I like to put on a smile at school and out and about and be the positive person that everyone loves. I still feel that way, but I wanted everyone to know too that I do struggle and have times where I'm not perfect. I just paused when writing that last line because it really hits the nail on the head--I'm not perfect. I'm very hung up on how people perceive me, and I want to be seen as "with it", "together", "organized", and "in control". I believe I have strived to show those qualities in every other area of my life, because I never felt that way in regards to my weight. Throughout this journey so far, I have felt in control and like I had everything together with my weight loss. For the first time now since the surgery, I've realized that I'm going to have to work to keep seeing the successes I've had so far. It's hard for me to admit that I'm struggling, but I know that I do need the support from my family and friends to get through this phase post surgery, just as much as I did getting over the physical and mental parts of the surgery as well.

Thanks for walking along with me, even when I hit a bump. :)